Conscious Communications: How Healthy Conflict Resolution Can Improve Your Relationships and Your Health

Welcome to The Hormone Prescription Podcast!

 

In this episode, we're talking about how healthy conflict resolution can improve your relationships and your health. Our guest is Mary Shores, author of the book Conscious Communications.

 

Mary shares her insights on why it's so important to resolve conflict in a healthy way, and gives us some practical tips on how to do just that. If you're struggling with conflict in your life, whether at home or at work, this episode is for you!

 

In this episode, you will learn:

-Why healthy conflict resolution is so important

-How to resolve conflict in a healthy way

-Practical tips for resolving conflict in your own life

-And more!

 

So tune in now, and learn how healthy conflict resolution can improve your relationships and your health!

 

[00:55] You're gonna love our guest today and the topic that we are discussing. It's all about communication. How conscious is your communication? And like in the quote that I started the episode with, are you able to change your mind about things or are you seeking optimal health and hormone balance saying I wanna be exactly the same way I am now doing what I'm doing, thinking what I'm thinking. And I want my hormones to change because I hate to tell you, but mm it's not gonna happen because you do have to change your mind to change your hormones.

 

[01:54] Mary shores is an innovative communication expert and bestselling author who transforms people's words to help them fall back in love with their work and their customers. 15 years ago, Mary discovered a game changing formula to improve connections among people. It all started with a, do not say list and grew into an entire strategy that will fix your relationships, which by the way, will fix your hormones and your health. Welcome Mary. My pleasure to be here. I'm so excited. Yes. I love your book. And just so I don't forget to, to say the whole title, Mary shores, conscious communications, your step by step guide to harnessing the power of your words, to change your mind, your choices and your life published by hay house.

 

[03:04] So, you know, since this is a hormone show, I'll go ahead and say this. But when I was 19 and one time I had went to a doctor, they put me on a, an antibiotic, but didn't tell me that antibiotics cancel out birth control. So I ended up pregnant after a healthy pregnancy. I was met with sudden tragedy when my daughter had suffered lack of oxygen to the brain for over five minutes due to umbilical cord asphyxia, which basically meant the way they explained it to me was that her umbilical cord had ruptured. So my daughter Haley was born with severe and profound brain damage. This left her blind death and on life support.

 

[03:58] And the thing is though, when I got done with that ordeal, I was really lost in life. You know what I mean? I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I felt like my peers had, had moved on, had started their careers. So I decided to go into the family business, which is debt collection. And so oftentimes people don't understand like where is this connection between like debt collection, communication and connection. But for me, I think that because I had lived on the other side of Stu financial stability during that time with my daughter, I had absolutely no resources.

 

[04:45] And I definitely saw the connection between how debt collectors communicate with people and how that, that causes so much stress and trauma, you know, and I realized very quickly that the common denominator is just having a debt can be a trauma, let alone the way that people are stigmatized over it, or the way that they're treated over it.

 

[05:41] So I just started to study and I wanted, you know, my big aha moment came when one day I looked at the phone and I said out loud, I just want the next person. I speak to, to be happier at the end of the call than they were at the beginning. Now that was so many years ago. And honestly, I had no idea how I was going to make that happen. But I started with one concept, which was this do not say list. And the do not say list is exactly what it sounds like. It's a list of words we never say, which are no, not can't won't however, and unfortunately

 

[06:19] So I'm sorry for your loss. And it sounds like it forced you to go into the family business. And because you had this kind of spiritual bent already, and you were going into what probably most people think of as a non-spiritual business, you had a different perspective to bring, to kind of evolve that. And so thank goodness you said, I just want the next person I talk to, to feel better after I get off the phone with them than when they got on the phone, when I got on the phone with them. And so you have the, the do not say list, which I love. I try not to use those words as well.

 

[07:05] Even if it's reasonable, I get angry immediately because nobody likes being told, no, you can't, you can't have that or no. And tell me what you can do. Don't tell me what you can't do. So this started the do not say list. And then how did it evolve from there? Cuz really you've come to this place now where you've taken it to a whole nother level and your personal journey, evolutionary journey, I think really will speak volumes to women, many women at midlife who are wondering like, what's wrong with me? What's happened to me. I don't know. I feel like myself and my own skin anymore. How do I feel good. And so what happened next on your journey? That was your evolution.

 

[08:05] And so I turned to neuroscience and specifically neurobiology because I wanted to know like what is happening in the brain and the body and the nervous system when we're communicating and turns out that was like the most brilliant thought I had ever really had because you know, starting with a, do not say list, what I learned was when we are, and it doesn't matter if you're speaking the words or if you're hearing the words, but what's happening when we're enveloped in these negative words, you know, if we're talking to customer service and they say, you know, unfortunately our policy is yada yada, yada.

 

[08:57] You know, if you're familiar with the David Hawkins frequency scale of emotions, those words are really driving us down the frequency scale of emotions. So my goal was like, how can I move people up? This frequency scale of emotions? And in the book I call this cleanser clog. So it's really like everything. You say, everything you do, every action you take. And this is in all areas of life, not just communication, but every choice you make is either, you know, moving you down that scale, creating a disconnection from what you really want, or it's moving you up that scale. And you know, when you talk about feeling good, it's like if you rate yourself, say on a scale of one to 20 at any given time, and you say, you know, how well do I feel today? And if that answer is, you know, below a 10, then there's a problem we need to like do cleansing activities.

 

[09:48] So I started to think, how can we create a connection? And that started with validation. So really taking a deep dive into understanding that we're truly all wired for empathy, but we've sort of trained it out of ourselves. And I think that this starts it when we're young children, you know, we have expectations put upon us, we have layers and layers of what other people think we should be when we can take a moment.

 

[10:48] And so what that allows us to do is take a, a sigh of relief and just drop in and not be so frantic. So the idea here is that we wanna cancel the nervous system. We wanna cancel the fight or flight response, right? And we wanna activate the parasympathetic response by saying connecting words. You are not alone. I can understand that. That sounds really challenging. And that's the step that we're really missing in our communication journey, that it doesn't mean that we're agreeing with someone.

 

[11:45] It's just acknowledging the emotion. You also do it. If someone has just shared something, that's really amazing. You can say, you know, thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds so exciting. So that's really that first step in the process, but it's such an important step because when you provide a validation, what you're actually doing is you are increasing oxytocin, vasopressin, serotonin, and dopamine. And I don't need to tell you doctor that those are very happy, healthy bonding hormones, right?

 

[13:19]  So you definitely wanna get the book power versus force by David Hawkins. And he talks about quantifying the frequency of emotion. So I just wanted to let them know about that. And then I think it's so key what you said, the number one need that we have is to feel heard and understood everybody listening, just think like, what do you want more than anything from the people in your life. You want to feel heard, you get upset when people don't really hear you. You're like, you're not listening to me.

 

[14:05] And, you know, once our material needs are met for shelter and food and rest and things like that, we have these needs to be self-actualized self-expressed to be seen, to be heard, to be validated. And I love, I always my nervous system, you can feel it viscerally, calm down when you get on a customer service call and they immediately say, and you know, when they say this, that they've had training, wow, I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. I know that must be really frustrating. And you're just like, oh, this person it matters.

 

[14:58] Right. I've been heard and I've been validated, you know, it's interesting. I just came back from this trip in Mexico and I always ask for a cent free chemical free room, wherever I travel, cuz I don't want those VOCs in my, my body doesn't like them. And so I did request one and my room wasn't even ready when I got there. It took another two hours cuz they said you were requested a special room. And I go in my room and they have that scent, you know like most hotels put a scent cuz they think it increases your perceived value of what they're offering. You just like they'll put plastic, some hotels over the top of the drinking glasses in the bathroom. 

 

[15:47] And I also love that you brought in the neuroscience of how this relates to hormone balance, that your oxytocin, dopamine serotonin and your vasopressin, all of these are improved and your sympathetic nervous system, when you are validated and you are heard. So how do you teach people in the book to start tweaking their words and their thoughts and their communication for improved hormone balance? I know that's not, not what you say in the book is the goal, but my people they know that's the goal. 

 

[16:36] And so I'm training other collection agencies. I'm doing training for customer service, but it's really about when you're in that moment, you know, and I, I can tell you a little story with this because a lady that told me this, this story just really warms my heart. Her stepson had sent her a pretty emotionally charged text message. And he was blaming her for his difficult relationship with his father. You know, she immediately felt her walls going up. So step one is when you immediately feel, you know, this person has said something and now you feel your walls going up.

 

[17:26] So when you know ahead of time that you're going to use some sort of validation statement, you really train yourself that this is the script or the prompt, if you will, that you're going to respond with no matter what. So when she got this text message and she felt her walls going up, she knew reacting defensively would only lead to more conflict, causing more layers of disconnection in their relationship. Now she hadn't heard from him for a number of years before this text message came in. She just got it out of the blue mm-hmm . So instead she used all three steps of our communication, uh, code. And she said, you know, I can certainly understand how deeply you must be hurting.

 

[18:19] And she said, she'd be happy to pick him up and see him in person. And he didn't respond for quite a while. Instead after a while he called her. And for the first time, in a long time, they had a healthy conversation all because she was able to build a connection that really hadn't existed before. So you know, what you're doing is you're bringing stability to a situation.

 

[19:08] And then now their mind can be open to a solution. You know, if you've ever been talking to someone and you've got this like great idea for them and, and you feel like you have the right solution, but they're not hearing you, you know, and perhaps they get into story mode where they start repeating that story over and over and over again, if somebody is repeating their story on repeat, that is a sign that they do not feel heard and understood. And the moment that you can validate, not that they're date, not that their story is true. You're validating the emotion that they have associated with that story, because that is truly what helps them process the emotion move through it so that we can be emotionally receptive. You know, our brain space can get stuck on one thing, right? Mm-hmm . And when we follow these steps properly, people can be more open to what we have to say to them.

 

[20:42] And our energy is our what Dr. Marisa calls, the intangibles, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and our interactions with people. And we really underestimate the power of the emotions. I love that. You're saying you've got to, when the story's on repeat, you've got to hear the emotion and validate that it's not necessarily the story that needs to be validated, but how they are feeling, because that is the essence of what energy is running through their body. And until that's addressed, it will run everything.

 

[21:33] And so I think what you're saying, I think for some women it's, if you're disconnected from your own feelings, how can you validate another is what I'm thinking? Because I find that some, if people are disconnected and, and a lot of times that's the problem at the root of hormone, imbalance is nervous system dysregulation, disconnection from emotions. How in the world can somebody who's in that state learn to connect with their emotions is the first thing, because I'm thinking, how is she going to validate another? Does that make sense?

 

[22:38] The good news is that we're actually all wired for empathy. Every single one of us, um, is wire wired for empathy. I heard Dr. Gur ma say that in a, in a talk recently. And I was so happy. He said that because some of us don't believe that we are. So the first thing is understand that every one of us is actually wired for empathy. The second part that I wanna say is that the research shows that when you, when you provide empathy, whether you feel like you're empathetic, whether you think you can do this or not, but if you actually just force yourself to do it like a feedback cycle, it actually starts to strengthen the brain connections to make you more empathetic.

 

[23:41]  And so as you provide these validation statements and especially, you know, for my staff, because they're doing this day in and day out, we require them to do it with every single person that they're speaking to. And we actually measure it, you know, in our quality assurance calls, they are actually improving upon their own empathetic response. So the reason I'm telling you this is because if you're listening to this and you wanna try it, don't worry. If you feel that you will not be able to do it, if you can just say the words, like I said, when you feel your walls going up, just say those words, you know, that sounds really challenging.

 

[24:32] Even if you don't mean them, because it's okay, the feeling will come when you say it and you practice it, you will start to actually increase those same happy, healthy hormones in yourself. And that is certainly mm-hmm, a huge thing. You will feel better about yourself. You'll know that you made an impact on another person and it's, it can hu. I mean, I remember the first, in the first few years when people were telling me, you know, Mary, I took this training and it didn't just change my communication. It literally changed my entire life. And I still hear that now to this day.

 

[25:09] So why do you think Mary, we are hardwired for empathy, little kids, you see this, oftentimes you see, you see more kids helping each other in the playground than you do one kid clobbering, another to take their toy. So why do you think that when I look around, I see a, a lack of empathy in a lot of places. So why is this happening? Well,

 

[25:32] I'll speak to the lack of empathy first, and this is just a theory. So this is not science based. This is just like my own observation, my own opinion. But I think that we we've been living through some disconnected times for probably about three decades. You know, we have women entering the workforce when, you know, 60 years ago that wasn't really the case. So we've sort of been going through this, um, conscious evolution of sorts, you know, and it changes the way things naturally were for, for millennia before that. And I think that there is a, a challenge with how children are being raised, you know, and I think it starts with coming out with bullying.

 

[26:19] And especially as women, that's not what we were built for. You know, that is that we were built to nurture. We were built to love. We are pure love, right. But if our behaviors are sort of creating a fork in the road, we've just gotta figure out that, that new balance. And so I have found that definitely through communication. It's a way it's a starting point, just one starting point of many mm-hmm where you can begin to train yourself back into that natural way. And especially, you know, I don't know about you, but I've been diving deep into like the feminine energy concept as well. And there's just so much to that. 

 

[27:26] Yeah, I know. I mean, we were, we were we for sure, I wasn't schooled in, you know, what is this energy body that we have? What is feminine energy? What are all these things? And so now I think a lot of us weren't and we're having to relearn it at a later age, you have so much great information in here. A as you're talking, I know one of the things in the book that you talk about is, you know, the empathy for not only other people, but for ourselves, and you talk about self love and you know, there's so, so many platitudes, oh, love yourself and get a pedicure.

 

[28:21]  And it's impossible to help someone heal their hormones when they have this negative chatter, it's almost like they have this abuser in their mind. That's constantly berating them cuz their cortisol will never get out of the toilet. How do you help women to start to change their thought patterns, to have empathy for themselves first and really turn the light of love onto themselves

 

[28:56] There's no way that your girlfriend is gonna look at you and tell you how horrible you are. Right. Mm-hmm no way she's immediately gonna tell you, you know, I know you're gonna get out of this. I know you're gonna be okay. I believe in you. It's okay. You know, she's going to go into that mode because she cares about you and loves you, but it's, it's almost like you have to step out of yourself and be your own girlfriend because you know, that's one of the things I learned. And so what I did, I kind of created this, I think as a five step process, I call it five steps to break through your breakdown.

 

[29:44] And so what I did was I wrote a list of all of the current issues or perceived issues I had in my life. You know, I think, I think it was like, uh, a key employee had just resigned and I had a big tax bill to pay with my business. You know, I just had some, a list of things. So I wrote out this list and there ended up being 20 things on the list. And when I looked at the list, I immediately had empathy for myself and I, and I remember looking at that list in the moment when I realized like, wow, anyone going through this amount of chaos in their life would be feeling the same way I do. So it's that same validation.

 

[30:38] So like I would go deep into my mind because of my own past traumas and think I'm gonna turn into a bad lady someday. I'm not gonna, you know, I'm not gonna be able to, uh, support myself. Well, what is that? That's the fight or flight, you know, that's our basic, when you talk about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you know, that's that basic survival rung that we need food and shelter just to survive.

 

[31:24] And so when we're coming from that, you know, when you're talking about like manifesting, anytime you're manifesting from a place of fear and chaos, you are only going to create more fear and chaos. So it's like you have to slow yourself down. So once you can, you know, look at your situation, perhaps conjure up some empathy for yourself. And one thing I really recommend have a cry session if you can't cry, which I couldn't cry. I mean, if you would've met me six years ago, it had probably been 20 years since I shed a tear. Wow. That is such a, you know, somebody who's disconnected from their emotions. 

 

[32:18] But if we try to take actions when we're still in the fear and the chaos of the moment, really anything we try to create is gonna turn around and it's, it's not gonna work out the way that you think, but once you raise yourself up and whether you call that frequency, vibration, you know, feeling better, whatever words you like to use, anything you manifest from a place of empowerment is going to show up in your life faster, better, stronger, and be more long lasting.

 

[33:03]  It's just like if you ate steak every single day and that's all you ate, it's not healthy, right. It's unbalanced. And that emotion, energy, and motion needs to move through your body. And so if you're not crying, there's something wrong. Just like if you're not laughing, there's something wrong. And I, as you were talking, I was thinking, I love the suggestion you gave about the movies. What are some of your favorite movies to bring on a good cry?

 

[33:41] Well, recently I watched, um, the unforgiven with Sandra Bullock. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's absolutely beautiful. I was crying the entire time. You know, another one I'm good at this now, so I can bring up the tears at, at any movie really. Right. Another one was, uh, the tender bar that is a Ben Aflex show. It's really just a heartwarming movie. You know, it doesn't even have to be a sad movie or like peanut butter, Falcon, just these heartwarming stories that can bring emotion up in your body and something you said that I, I would really want to piggyback on. We were built to experience these emotions.

 

[34:39] Which means she raised me that way, the positive psychology movement while it's good. And, and we do wanna have a positive attitude or we wanna, you know, we wanna focus on, on the positive, but we've taken it so far into our society where there's almost like a guilt and shaming. If you have a negative thought that negative thought is a message for you. If you're feeling an, a it or a pain, that is a message for you. David Hawkins has another book called letting go, where he really takes you through a process where you get in touch with where these emotions are stored in your body. Mm-hmm another tip that I would have is, um, body work, you know, getting a massage it's self care. I agree with you. It's it's not about a spa day. It's about how you take care of yourself and emotions get lodged in the body. 

 

[35:48] Yeah. Very powerful. Because emotion is stored in the tissue. When you get body work to have a release. And then all of a sudden memories might start coming up. Feelings might start coming up and to allow that, and that's loving yourself right. To, to allow that we are gonna need to wrap up. I love this book. And one thing I wanna make sure to talk about is the a hundred things. I love about me. Talk about how this exercise came about. And I want you to, to kind of give everyone a challenge to do this.

 

[36:19] It sounds simple. So I believe at the time I was working with a friend of mine, he's a dating coach. And he had given me this assignment, which was to write a hundred things that I love about myself. He's really trying to get me to see my own value. Right. But the exercise just turned into something much deeper for myself. And I started writing a list and it's like, oh, I like my long hair. And I love my long legs. And you know, you kind of go through this superficial list of things. 

 

[37:01] This is not just about writing a love list about yourself, because what happened to me after, you know, the month was over when I got to number 99, number 99 and number 100. I remember I wrote, I am radiant. What I love about myself is I am radiant. And I think that that was number 99. And then number 100 was, I am a powerful creator and I could never have come to that moment of realization.

 

[37:55] So I've had women tell me like, oh, I love that. I love the color teal. And then all of a sudden they, she was wearing a teal blouse and someone complimented her on that color. I've had all these like little strange sort of, um, synchronistic things that have happened with this list. So I really encourage you to do this because, and it will take a while. It's not, I know it sounds easy, but it's not easy, but don't give up until you get to a hundred. So you just take a piece of paper and you say 100 things. 

 

[38:39] So it's about communication, not only with others, but yourself, because the communication you have with yourself really sets the tone for your hormonal balance, which is the foundation for your physical health and wellbeing, mental and emotional health and wellbeing. And I'm gonna challenge you to do those things. Maybe pick up a copy of Mary's book, conscious communications, where can they find the book, Mary, and find out more about you?

 

[39:21] I think the easiest place to find the book is on Amazon and it's just conscious communications on Amazon. And then also my, my favorite social media is LinkedIn. I know that isn't everyone's favorite social media. So we also have Instagram and Facebook. My website is Mary shores.com. That is M a R Y S H O R E S. And you can find all of our social media links on there. So love to connect with anyone. If you've, if you're checking out the book, I always say, if you read the description or the back cover of it you'll know right away, whether this book is for you.

 

[39:57] Thank you so much, Mary, for that great resource for writing this for your journey, for your tender, loving care of women at midlife and the tools that you've offered for us. I think they're very powerful. So I'm gonna challenge everyone to, uh, take a look at conscious communications, do your a hundred things and really up level your communication. Maybe look at some of the books we've mentioned by David Hawkins, the letting go book, the power versus force. Even the one by Pema children is good. She's got some beautiful books because having great hormone balance at midlife and beyond and great health is not just about going to the gym and kicking it out with vitamin X, right? It's not just about eating the right diet. It's not just about supplements. Are those things important? Sure. They are, but they're not they're necessary, but not sufficient. So you really have to up level, like we started the episode talking about changing your mind.

 

[40:56]  So I really want you to start thinking about what am I willing to change? What am I willing to let go of with my chronic thought problem patterns? We think over 70,000 thoughts a day 99% of them are the same. So what new thoughts are you willing to bring in today? What emotions are you willing to allow? What kind of TLC nurturing are you going to allow yourself to give to yourself and to others in your life so they can have that empathy. So I think that great questions yield great opportunity for improvement and new actions in the future. Thank you so much for speaking with us today, Mary, about this and sharing your wonderful book. 

 

[41:51] Thanks so much for spending your precious time with us and, uh, look forward. If you wanna join me on Instagram at Kirin Dunston MD or Facebook at Kirin Dunston MD. Look forward to your comments about Mary's episode and her book. And I would love it. If some of you would post your a hundred things you love about yourself. Wanna ask me a question. I do a Q and a episode every month. So you can do that on my website. Just go on the podcast page and click the microphone and you can leave me a voice memo. Yep. I'll hear it. And maybe I'll respond during our next episode until next week. Peace, love and hormones. Y'all thank you so much for listening. 

 

 

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